Filling the holes

Tonight we celebrated Christmas at my house.  I finally gave my friend, Joan, my pugs Vader and Waffles’ breeder, the two scrapbooks of photographs and blog entries that I had compiled for her.

She greeted them with the glee of a child. Her face lit up and her blue eyes twinkled in the same way that my five-year-old niece Tori’s does when presented with a surprise. I love this about Joan, a childlike glee, that despite her age, lights up her face and the world around her when she is excited by an animal, a gift, a delightful piece of news. She squeals and blushes and those around her find themselves swept up in her exuberance.

Yet, as excited as she was, she approached each volume with reverence. The cover of the first featured a picture of Vader and her, one of the first I had ever taken; the second, one of the last. She turned the pages of each as if they were the Old and New Testaments. She could only glance through their pages – each binder is four-inches thick, comprised of all the blog entries I had written last year pertaining to Joan and the pugs as well as all the photographs I had taken of Pugdom and the events we had attended together. She scanned the quotations I included, noted a few pics of the dogs, complained about a few of her and expressed her pleasure at the hours of viewing ahead.

Earlier, when we were out to dinner, Joan confessed how difficult life still is now 15 years after her husband Charlie’s death. “Sometimes I have to force myself to get out and do things,” she said.

Life creates its share of wounds, leaves holes in all of us. Joan, I think, fills hers, in part, with her pugs, filling her life, literally, with fulfilling their needs. Sharing this with her, I fill some of my own holes. I look at her childlike wonder and her joy and I see the love I poured into those scrapbooks. The feelings reflect back to me. The loneliness each of us feels, she for the husband she lost, me for the family I have yet to establish, dissipates. We find in our friendship with each other and the animals that we love, a salve.

Thinking of Vader

Dogs have a way of cheering you, even when they are no longer there. Last week in the middle of a very bad day I pulled into the McDonald’s drive-thru for a cup of tea and saw this sign: New, $1 Fish McBites. I had to smile in spite of myself. When my pug, Vader, was alive McDonald’s fish fillets were his obsession. He seemed to sense when we were anywhere near a drive-thru and would start to make tiny whines until his feast materialized. He would have loved these bite-sized morsels and just thinking about his joy brought joy to my joyless day. I had to snap a photo and capture the moment. I bet there are a lot tastier pleasures than $1 Fish McBites in the after life, but I had a feeling Vader might give them up for a spell to share this treat with me. I felt my Little Man’s presence in the car and like any good dog he brought his Mistress some needed comfort.

Blog Award

I was honored to learn that I had been nominated for this award by the folks at The Devil Dog. After my pug, Vader, died and I began considering adopting Waffles, whom I heard was a little demon, I received encouragement from Roxy, that being a Devil Dog was not such a bad thing. I am glad I listened! Thanks for the nomination.

1) Visit and thank the blogger who nominated you. 2) Acknowledge that blogger on your blog and link back to them. 3) Answer the 5 simple questions. (see below) 4) Nominate up to 20 blogs for the award and notify each of them. 5) Display the award on your blog somewhere.

1) If you could change one thing, what would you change? Only one? I would have a home of my own.

2) If you could repeat an age, what would it be? any year? I would repeat my sophomore year of college. I loved college and by sophomore year I was comfortable enough there to really be enjoying myself. Also, it was the first time I had a place of my own -- a single dorm room at the top of Miliken.

3) What is one thing that really scares you?

The thought of losing my teeth.

4) What is one dream you have not completed, and do you think you’ll be able to complete it? I haven't yet written a book, but I'm working on it.

5) If you could be someone else for one day, who would it be?

This is hard. I'm still working on learning how to be myself. Oh, I'd choose someone whom I could get a  bang for my buck"-- Angelina Jolie, for example, that way I could experience being a mom, an actress, save the world and get to be with Brad Pitt all at the same time.

My nominees include:

Pug-a-Boo: This is a relatively new blog, but its blogger Christy is not new to blogging. She wrote a wonderful blog about her pug Payton's experience with PDE (pug dog encephalitis). Her new blog is devoted to her current pugs Daisy and Donald and to her love of fine cuisine.

The Three Little Pugs: Another favorite of mine. Stella Rose and her Mommy have been supportive of my blog from the beginning and I love the antics of this funny little girl and now her new little sister Maggie.

Pugsutawney

Who needs a groundhog, anyway?

Seriously, my pugs play weatherman everyday, letting me know if its raining or snowing or freezing cold by their reluctance or willingness to venture outside. I'm thinking of initiating a formal ceremony here in Bethel. It would be good for the economy, drawing tourists to town and I'd happily don my top hat, step out on the porch with Alfie and announce if she saw her shadow. Of course, I'd have to keep it quiet that Alfie has a habit of seeing a lot of things that aren't there like her invisible fly...shhh, don't say anything. Besides, I can always use Waffles as a back up, although she is happy to venture out on the back step as long as there is a sliver of sunshine in which to bask. Okay, maybe they aren't as reliable as Phil, but for those of you with money on the outcome, it might be nice to know that my two can be bribed for the right puppy snack.

What's in a Name (of a Blog that is)?

I received a great comment from a reader today who wondered about the name Pugs and Pics. When first introduced, this reader was an uncertain about the site, worried that it would be devoted to a bunch of silly dog photos, but stuck around and has become a fan. The same reader wondered if the site might be better served by another name, asking if it had grown beyond its original intent.

I say this is a great comment because this reader is engaged and had some valid points. It’s tough to choose a name for a site, and once you do, you’re kind of stuck – you’ve likely paid for a URL and built up a following, so experts warn choose carefully. A lot of writers decide to go by their name when they can. I couldn’t get the URL to my full name, so I originally was going to have a web site foe my work called www.kjgifford.com. You can still reach the writing portion of my blog from this URL.

I tried for years to get that web site off the ground and in the meantime I developed a love of photography, initially sparked by taking pictures of my own as well as my friend Joan’s pugs. When it comes to any form of art whether it is writing, photography or painting, it’s best to pursue subjects you feel passionate about. There is a different type of energy surrounding things you love. My photography teacher noticed this in my work early on and encouraged me to continue taking pictures of my pugs and other dogs. I started a Facebook site devoted to my photography www.facebook.com/kjgiffordphotography and subsequently a blog on Posterous and Blogger. When it came time to start these blogs, I wanted to attract people who would be interested in my photography, which in this case would be other pug people, hence the name Pugs and Pics.

I look at my friends in the Hubbard Hall Writer’s Project and note the name of their sites. John Greenwood chose Raining Iguanas, an unique and interesting name that has to do with awakening, a subject to which most of his writing is devoted. Rachel Barlow chose Picking My Battles and she often writes about challenges in being a mother, a wife, a writer. She picks her subjects and battles with care. Jon Katz, the leader of our group, has a very successful blog entitled Bedlam Farm and you guessed it, he writes about life on his farm with his wife and animals. And, yes, on my site I write about pugs and pics. But, as the aforementioned reader noted, it has become about so much more. Jon calls his blog a living memoir and mine has certain become one. I am only beginning to understand all that this site is about. I learn through the writing.

I have been a freelance writer for 20 years now, writing magazine articles for a variety of regional publications, and a memoir-writing instructor for 11. When I joined the Hubbard Hall Writer’s Project, I decided it was time to get serious about my own writing, which initially had a lot to do with pugs. It still does. It is my hope to turn some of the ideas found in these pages into a book one day. I’d really like to write more about my experiences at Pugdom, my friend Joan’s house and yes, these involve a lot of talk about pugs. The things I have learned there, however, go beyond that and are themes that are universal as well as personal. What do we do when we find ourselves alone in life? When things get tough? I met Joan after my family had been through a really challenging ordeal (a story for another time). I was single when most of my friends were married and starting families and I was lonely, looking for a dog of my own. I came from a small town, hadn’t traveled much and then I met this woman, who had a houseful of pugs and amazing stories to tell and had traveled the world a couple of times over. Except for her dogs and a handful of friends, she was alone, too. Her husband had died the year before I met her. An older woman with a childlike spirit, Joan chooses to live with all these pugs a top a lonely mountain in Warren, Vt. Her life can be chaotic and challenging at times, but it is never dull and she lives it her way. I admire that about her. Since I met her, I too have traveled to places I never thought I would have gone. I’m not sure I ever thought I would have traveled much at all before meeting her and I have learned a lot about what it means to be strong and I have learned my own limitations. I hope I will not find myself alone when I am her age, but for now in spite of the circle of friends and family, I am essentially on my own and sometimes that can be lonely. The pugs, both mine and the pack at her house help fill the void. I look at Joan and at other women in my life and I learn from them.

These are things I’ve tried to share in these pages. Each of us has his or her own unique way of looking at the universe and I’ve tried to share mine as well. It is often easy to judge what is best for a person – a woman of Joan’s age shouldn’t be living alone or she shouldn’t have so many pugs, a person my age should be on their own by now. She should have a home, a family. I think it is important not to judge to let people carry what they must, to help them when you can and to try to understand their point of view, even if you disagree. I think this is how we learn and grow. I also think this is a responsibility we have when we befriend someone – the responsibility to let them be who they are. I think we have responsibilities to animals, too, especially when you breed them or rescue them and claim them as your own. There is an issue of stewardship I wish to explore and how in living and loving these creatures we learn about ourselves. This is the book I would like to write someday and it all starts with pugs. But it is not limited to them. They are just the lens through which I began to see what I wanted to explore, they are my companions on this path to growth.

Pugs and Pics thus, seemed to serve this site well. When I decided to start blogging about theses subjects it made sense to use it, to attract those who might be interested in a woman with two pugs and her friendship with a breeder with dozens. Besides, I already had this name for my Posterous and Blogger sites, so my fans there carried over. My web site designer asked me if I thought I might still be blogging about pugs 12 years from now and the answer is who knows? But they will always be a part of my life. As I have written, I have a pug tattooed on my shoulder, another on my back, my license plate reads Puggies. I’ve been branding myself literally for a long time now and I don’t think I’ll ever completely leave the subject behind.

And, it’s not just pugs. I think there is something special about the dog/human bond, the animal/human bond for that matter. I think that animals and particularly dogs, which have infiltrated our hearts and lives so thoroughly, enrich us in unique ways. I think that anyone who starts to explore their life with dogs in pictures and in writing soon find that they are exploring these subjects; even if it begins with a bunch of funny dog photos. I know this is certainly the case for most of the dog blogs I love best.

In the months since I’ve had the site, it is true that my writing is changing to include my photography, art, and personal stories from other areas of my life and I hope it continues to evolve even more. The name Pugs and Pics may not be as broad as it could be, but hopefully more people like this reader will discover it and stick around long enough to see that it can be. My pugs and my photography were the starting point for this journey and I am following them where they lead. They have taught me to see my life in a new way and I hope that this blog is allowing readers a glimpse through this lens and giving them a new perspective – something all good art and writing should do.

A special thank you to my reader for inspiring this post and for sticking around and please feel free to comment. One of the things I love about blogging is this dialogue, which fosters growth.

Happy Birthday Waffles

Yesterday, February 1st, was Waffles third birthday. We celebrated by buying her a new flavor of dog food -- it seems like she doesn't like white fish and sweet potato and buying her a shocking pink toy. Alfie turned three a few weeks ago on January 8, but because I was sick, I missed the actual day. She didn't seem to mind. Neither girl seems to know they've matured. They spent the afternoon chasing each other and fighting over bones.

Writing Prompt & Self-Portrait 3: Doll

I bet this doll is familiar to a lot of little girls who grew up in the seventies. This is my Chrissy doll. She had hair that could grow and be made short again and along with Mrs. Beasley, my Dawn dolls and my Malibu Barbies, she was a favorite of mine. I loved to play dolls and my grandmother would play them with me for hours. Whenever my mother played she would speak with a southern accent that would drive me crazy. I no longer play with dolls unless one of my nieces is around, but I still have several including the one in the picture below.

I had this doll specially made for me. Her name is Mira and if you look closely her eyes are in the shape of pug face's. Her eyes are designed from a picture of my pug Mira, who died when she was only a year-and-a-half old from an anaphylactic reaction to her distemper shot. She was the most joyful creature I have ever known, human or animal. She loved to watch television and listen to Clare de Lune. She would tilt her head and stare at my computer when I would play it on i-tunes. Vader would roll on his back and she would stand atop him and the two would gently tumble as Vader was already aging. She made everyone a dog lover and a pug lover, even when they were not.

This is one of my favorite pictures I have taken for the self-portrait assignment. It has a sense of vulnerability to it, that is reminiscent of childhood although it has a different feel. It is not childhood innocence that comes across in this adult shot, but vulnerability. The two are similar, but not the same.

Writing Prompt: In what ways do you show your vulnerability? Write about a time you were vulnerable.

Portrait of Alfie in Black and White

Keep Moving

My sister-in-law, a personal trainer, shared this picture and saying (from Get-Fit-Naturally) on Facebook today. I know she posted it to motivate people to keep exercising, but I love the sentiment in general. Life has thrown some challenges my way health-wise lately, but I don’t want to dwell on them. I want to keep moving.

Sometimes you have no control over what happens to you; sometimes you just have to deal with the consequences. Sometimes you have options. Regardless, you can always keep moving forward, learning and growing. A friend and counselor once told me that was one of my assets – in spite of the specific challenges I’ve faced in my life I didn’t let them stop me, I pressed on.

It’s not denial, it’s an act of faith and sometimes all you need is to take that first step to gain momentum. This morning I watched Alfie and Waffles as they faced the morning cold. Neither wanted to leave the warmth of the house and once out both immediately turned back toward the door. Then Alfie finally made the move off the stoop. Waffles watched for a beat and followed. Soon the two were climbing over the snow banks and prancing over the frosty ground. Watching them in motion, the air seemed lighter, the day seemed warmer. I wanted to make the leap with them.

Imperfection

I love this photo, but it is not perfect. In fact, I took it to my photography class tonight and my teacher said it didn't work for him. It doesn't matter. I could look at it for hours and it's the imperfections that attract me -- the movement, the blur, the white space, the lack of detail. Perhaps it's because I see what isn't apparent. I see Waffles staring off into the distance, into the emptiness, into the white. I see her separateness, or independence, her alien interaction with the world. There is a distance I cannot bridge, a space, a boundary between photographer and subject, between human and dog. She is her own creature, she sees something I can't see. Her back is to me, her face is to her tomorrow. I see her fur, the lines that form her, the way the light caresses her. I see that she will not be still and frozen by my camera. I am drawn to this picture not because it is perfect, not because of the bond between us. I am drawn to this picture because it is imperfect and full of life and movement. I am drawn to this picture because it and its subject cannot be tamed by me.