A Quiet Day

A hush fell over the house today. I found myself alone with the pugs and my work. It was a day of rest and recovery in many ways even though I spent the afternoon transcribing tapes of notes for an article I’m writing for Vermont Property Owners Report and conducting phone interview. I also managed to correct some students’ papers for a workshop next week, but overall the house was quiet; the tapping of my computer keys punctuated by the steady snores of the pugs. We even managed to work in a nap – Alfie’s furry fawn body tucked in the curve of my legs, Waffles teeny black form perched on my hip. I smile at this. It is Waffles’ signature stance. She is the first pug I have owned that I did not get as a puppy and thus, she brings to my life fully formed habits. Yet, because I was there since her birth, visiting her breeder Joan’s house so often, I am familiar with so many of them. She has slept on my hip since birth – every time I visited her house and climbed up on Joan’s bed to play with her. Waffles, her mother Releve and grandmother TarBaby held court on Joan’s bed – three black diva’s reigning over their kingdom.  Now, Alfie and Waffles stand guard like two sentinels on my bed, watching over me as I sleep.

It is not a day of big moments, but little ones. We snacked on a bagel and cream cheese, the pugs licking the remnants off my fingers. I watched from the back door as they silently wandered the back yard. I played with my graphite and watercolor pencils sketching a drawing of my niece who had donned a Dr. Seuss wig the night before It is not the type of day of which epic stories are told, but it was the type of day from which a life is made – a small, but precious bead on a chain of memories.

Pugs Outside

Blog Dr. Seuss Catherine

Mothering and Bumbling Along

Me and my brother, Paul I’ve never been a mother, but I’ve been mothering most of my life. When I was a little girl, my best friend Madeleine and I had imaginary children. We kept a list of all the children we knew – my baby brothers and baby cousins, her brother’s girlfriend’s children – and we would pretend they were our own, shopping the Sears catalogue for clothes for them. We would keep empty chairs for them in the school cafeteria so they could sit near us. When I turned 12, my mother would leave Madeleine and I to babysit my toddling brother Mark and newborn baby brother Paul. We would push them through town in their strollers convinced that all the neighbors would be scandalized believing these were our children. And, in many ways they were. When there is a 12-year difference between you and a younger sibling, you end up being a second parent in a lot of ways.

When Paul was very little and would get upset and retreat to his bedroom, I would go upstairs to comfort him, donning a black-and-yellow bumblebee puppet on my hand and talking to him in my funny “bee” voice, until Bumble would bring a smile to my face. As my brothers grew older, our family went through a series of financial and legal problems that led my parents to be away in court a lot. My brother John and I were left to care for the two younger brothers – “the boys” – treating them to a lot of homemade ravioli and pizza.

As the youngest and the eldest my brother Paul and I have been, if not polar opposites, at least on opposite ends of the poles. Being a parental figure means you are also subject to some acting out and it probably wasn’t easy on my pre-teen brother when I moved home from college, but in many ways we are alike and although we’ve had our share of sibling rivalry, neither of us has ever forgotten the days of Bumble. Now he often works the night shift as a cop while I am teaching late and I pass his car on the road, calling or texting just to say, “I see you.” Once when the light was out on my car, a fellow cop ran my plate, called Paul up and he tracked me down in a snowstorm, taking me to a parts store to fix the bulb. He was no longer my baby brother. He was taking care of me.

It was Paul who also gave me the gift of my nephew Christian when as a teenager he became a father. Seeing a teenage pregnancy as a gift might have been a challenge at the time, but Christian proved an unexpected miracle. I have truly experienced the joy of motherhood in being his godmother, watching him grow and mothering him alongside the other women in his family.

It was my brother Paul who first introduced me to pugs about the same time he had Christian. He and his then girlfriend Chesne, Christian’s mom, saw a litter of pug puppies one day and he begged to bring one home. He named her Buffy because she was fawn or buff colored and like Nana in Peter Pan, she became a guardian over the soon-to-be-born baby Christian. When she died at the age of 13, Christian said, “She raised us all.”

Now my baby brother is off to boot camp having joined the National Guard. He leaves tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. and like a mama I worry over the little boy I used to try to make smile. I’m very proud of him, but I like it when my brood’s nearby, when, like in the television show the Waltons, you can call out in the night, “Goodnight John-Boy,” and they can answer with a hushed whisper because you’re close enough to hear.

Children and siblings grow and as any parent knows there comes a time when you have to let go. After all, I’m in my forties, my brother in his thirties and we’ve both gone on to live full lives, but you don’t have to be a mother to know you never stop worrying because when you’ve loved and nurtured anyone from birth, seeing them through tears and smiles, they, like the Hallmark cards say, wear your heart on the outside. They go off into the world and you hope all the “bumbling” you did to get them there will help see them through.

 

My Children

Blog Ellie and Me 2 When my nephew Christian was just learning to talk, I walked by him sitting in our kitchen with his Mama. He looked me in the eye and said, “Hi, Bee.” The nickname stuck. Most of my nieces and nephews call me Auntie Bee including the newest my 14-month-old niece Ellie.

Today, her mommy sent me a text saying that she and Ellie had the day off and when she asked Ellie what she wanted to do today, she said “Bee, Bee!”

Each of my nieces and nephews is special. Adam and Raine are both so smart. Adam, I love, for his perseverance and problem solving. If he wants something he goes to work figuring out how to get it and I have no doubt he will be successful in whatever venture he undertakes. He has promised me that when he grows up he will take care of me. “If you need it I’ll give you money,” he says.  “If you don’t, I won’t bother.” Did I mention he is very practical? He shares my love of movies and knows as much Hollywood trivia as I do.

Raine has been serious since birth. He is gorgeous – a blue-eyed toe-head with an affable laugh and a mischievous smile. I love to talk to him and share his wealth of information. Once I took him on a special Auntie-Nephew outing to a book signing by Rick Riordan. He carried every hardcover Percy Jackson book with him to be signed. I gave him a $10 bill to buy some candy while I went to the bathroom and he spent all $10 and came out with bags of Peppermint Patties. Returning home high from sugar and adrenaline, he started an hour-long giggling fit, which of course was contagious. We drove red-faced and raucous through the night.

I am thoroughly convinced his seven-year-old brother Avery is an alien from another planet, observing us and reporting back to the mothership. He once told me I was correct and I’m not sure he was joking. Like his father, he carries music in his pores. He also has excellent rhythm, a freckled face, small stature, big-blue eyes, and a quiet, but deadly sense of humor.

Tori rounds out this trio of siblings. Five-years-old, she is powerhouse of imagination and fun. In looks, she is a throwback to an older time. Brown-haired, cherub-faced with rosebud lips, she is able to rumble with the boys and still be a girl. My grandmother Gifford, who spoiled me with handmade dresses that I would don with a cowboy hat and gunbelt, would have loved her. In her zest for life and fondness for fun, Tori reminds me of me. The other day my parents picked her up from school and took her downtown to buy some milk. “I love buying milk,” she exclaimed. They then took her to get the mail, “I love getting the mail,” she said. Apparently, life is just a good time to her.

My eight-year old niece, Catherine, Adam’s sister, is a beautiful clown. She’s gorgeous and kooky and the world does cartwheels around her when she erupts in a fit of bubbling giggles. I love to take her on shopping sprees and see her twirl and model her dresses. She used to pose and model for me while I snapped her picture, but has become increasingly self-conscious. Every once and awhile she’ll still accommodate me. A couple of weeks ago when her cousins were up from Texas, she knew I wanted to take pictures so she showed up at the restaurant where we were meeting having done all their makeup and wearing a get-up she called “Funky Fashionable.” When I asked her if I was funky fashionable as well, she declared, “No, just funky!”

This strange little tribe comprises my best friends. When the family is around, I can often be found with the little ones – photographing them, teasing them, making up stories. I have been blessed by sisters-in-law willing to let me share in their lives.

In the case of the eldest and the youngest, Christian and Ellie, I have been blessed with something more – a chance to fill a void left by not having children of my own. When Christian was just a baby -- his parents, my youngest brother, Paul, and his then girlfriend Chesne, only high-school students – his mother came and dropped him off in his car seat for me to babysit. She has been letting me share him ever since. Christian grew up at our house, coming here every other weekend and on vacations. I tucked him in each night, after he had drifted off to the television and watched as the Beanie Babies he took to bed turned to Lego men and Star Wars figures and eventually i-pod, laptop computer and Doritos, his interests growing alongside his body. I still go to his room to clear the remnants away once he is sleeping. Chesne named me his godmother and gave me the opportunity to mother him alongside her and his Nana. Sometimes at night, he will tuck his lanky, broad-shouldered body alongside mine on the sofa and we will talk and watch scary movies together. He can’t be 17 already.

My sister-in-law Gretchin and my brother Mark have a picture of the three of us that used to hang in their dining room. They took it down to make room for a painting and left it on the floor where it would be at Ellie’s eyelevel. Since she was born, they have pointed at the photograph and at me saying, “Auntie Bee,” ensuring that she could not help but know who I am. And, so on a day like today, she says it herself, “Bee, Bee!”

I look at Ellie’s big brown eyes, the tilt of her face and I see what could have been – my little girl. And, instead of feeling blue, I smile, because her mother graciously says, “She looks like you.” She says this not once, but again and again, as if Ellie herself is a secret we share.

The Beginning

Blog Ellie Hat Speak child

Light the world on fire

With words

And hope

And promise

Create tomorrow

With toddling steps

And easy smiles

Usher new worlds into existence

And call them good

Imagine stars and oceans

And things yet to name

Begin

Grow

Love

Discover

Eden bursts forth

From your hand

 

New Gallery Items

Satisfied  

I added some new collages and one I-pad drawing to my gallery for sale tonight. Many of you may recognize the I-pad sketch, Satisfied, which was a recent drawing that accompanied one of my blog posts. The other collages are new to the blog. Come Dance with Me and Don't be Shy are accompanying pieces to You Know the Song. The three, a triptych of pug ballerinas, deal with body image and performance. They also represent the three fawn pug females I have owned: Buffy, Mira and Alfie and each ballerina, I believe, displays their muses' personality perfectly.

 

Come Dance with Me (featuring Buffy)

 

Don't Be Shy (featuring Mira)

 

You Know the Song (featuring Alfie)

 

Through the Looking Glass

 

Wonderland

 

Crossroads

The other three new pieces here are loosely based on Alice in Wonderland. Often when I set out to create a digital collage I have a fairytale in mind. My piece, Child of God, for example is reminiscent of Little Red Riding Hood. Each of these "Alice" pieces evolved from the next. All are available for sale.

 

Art Project

ET and Avery A few weeks ago I received a text from my sister-in-law Becky asking for some ideas for decorations for my nephew Avery’s E.T.-themed birthday party. I informed her that we must have Reese’s Pieces and offered to create a cardboard centerpiece featuring E.T.

Yesterday was Avery’s party. I toted my cardboard E.T. centerpiece up to the house and Becky placed it on the middle of the table amidst all the presents. A lot of the adults commented on it and the kids seemed to think it was cool. I found Avery sitting in the middle of the table holding it at one point.

Soon, however, the birthday party was in full swing. Kids swarmed around the table to watch Avery open presents and to sample the chocolate cake with Neapolitan icecream. The mothers soon were busy scooping icecream and cleaning up chocolate icing. It was about that time we noticed that Avery and a couple of the other kids are missing.

“Where are they?” his mother asked.

“They’re outside shooting at E.T. with their pellet guns,” his older brother Raine announced.

My brother and sister-in-law seemed upset and worried that I would be.

“It’s okay,” I quickly assured them. “At least, he liked it.”

And, I meant it. Kids should be kids and although I put a bit of work into my cardboard E.T. it was for Avery and his pleasure. Moments later he burst into the room proudly showing the pellet hole above E.T.’s head, a big smile on his face. Art should be enjoyed and Avery did just that. He just turned my static cardboard figure into a performance piece. It became a joint venture.

A Fan

Elden Murray Third Place Winning an award is always a joyous occasion and today was no exception. I attended the reception for the Elden Murray Photo Contest at the Howe Library in Hanover, NH and was happy to learn that I had won two awards. My photo, Shadow Girl, received an honorable mention in the pictorial/abstract category and my photo, Julia Grace, won third place in the people category.

But as neat as seeing the ribbons beside the photos, was the reception I received when I arrived. As I entered the long hall of landscape photography, one of the photo club members greeted me. I barely had time to look at her before she seized me by the elbow and began ushering me through the crowd.

“You have a fan,” she noted. “A rather young man,” she said. “This tall,” holding her hand up to her hip. “He’s here someplace. He just loved all your work. At first I thought he knew you because every picture he pointed to was yours, but he said he didn’t. He liked the one of the young girl. I told him a lady did it, and he said, are you sure a lady? I think he thought it must be a young girl who took the picture because that’s whose in it. I told him if I saw you I’d introduce you.” She continued to guide me, almost completing a full circle around the exhibit when she stumbled upon a boy of six or seven standing next to his blonde, ponytailed mother wearing tortoiseshell glasses.

“Is this the boy who’s been here for the past 15 minutes,” the photo club member asked.

“Yes, we’ve been here for that long,” his mother replied, giving us a questioning gaze.

“Well, this young man is a fan of Kim Gifford’s work, aren’t you?” the photo club member asked, addressing the boy. “He was looking at the pictures and he kept stopping at Kim’s, I thought he might have known her but he didn’t,” she explained, this time to the mom.

“Did he?” said the mom. “I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Well, I’m just happy you liked them,” I said, “May I shake your hand.”

The little boy looked up at me with a quiet smile and offered his hand.

“Do you want to show your mom the pictures you liked?” the photo club member asked. The boy trotted off in the direction of my photos, looking back to see if I was following. His blue eyes twinkled and he kept checking to make sure I was right behind him. As soon as we got to my first picture of Julia Grace, he stopped and pointed, glancing over his shoulder for reassurance that he was correct. I nodded and smiled and then he skipped across the room to my Shadow Girl image and pointed at that.

“Yes,” I agreed as he ran back and pointed to the pug.

His mother appeared around the corner. “He especially likes the ones of the girls,” I informed her.”

“He’s a ladies man,” his mother concluded.

Although my photos and the ribbons will be on display for the month, I took the boy’s lingering smile home with me. I received a number of congratulations and compliments for my work today, but none had quiet the weight of the child running around the room proudly pointing at my work.

I have always had an affinity for pets and children in my photos. It is nice to see that they have an affinity for me as well.

Elden Murray Pug

 

 

Our Boy

Blog Christian You know Hilary Clinton’s saying, “It takes a village to raise a child,” well, in the case of my nephew Christian that’s what happened. This is not to take anything away from the wonderful work his mom, Chesne, has done – she surely should be applauded for the young man she has raised – but because she and my brother were only teenagers when Christian was born, a lot of us have had a hand in guiding him through his almost 17 years. To me, he has filled a void of not having children of my own, and not only is he my nephew and my godson; he has become my good friend.

He is frank and sarcastic, quick to understand the family dynamics. He still comes to my house every other weekend and most holidays. Yesterday, he was a child. He is fast becoming a man. But to his Mom and his Dad, his Nana and his Grandpa and me, his Auntie Bee (his nickname for me from the time he could talk) he will always be our little boy.

Last Wednesday, this little boy went off to a Winter Survival Camp. He is coming home on Sunday. Christian is already part of an intensive Criminal Justice Program through his school, but this camp is with adults – we discovered the next youngest person with his group is 20 and we are presently experiencing a blizzard here in Vermont. We think Christian is sleeping in a debris hut.

You can imagine how nervous we’ve all been. Chesne told Christian she would not text him until she heard from him, but after a couple of days we still hadn’t received any word. My father finally sent a text to Christian’s mentor, who is also working at the camp. Today, he finally answered back, letting us know that Christian is doing well and holding his own. This instigated another rush of texts between family members as we filled each other in on the news. I’m sure Christian will come back a little taller and prouder, a little less the boy and a little more the man. Wherever he goes he’ll be fine, we’ve all seen to that. I just hope we will be.

 

Drafting a New Collage

Collage of Dogs Dancing I've had an idea for this collage for awhile, but have been too busy to start it. In fact, it's been awhile since I started a new collage of any sort. Being home sick, but feeling slightly better, I had the opportunity this evening to start working on this one. It is far from finished, just the beginning -- well, maybe a little more than that. I started to add details such as the pug's shoes and ballet slippers. I wanted this piece to feel festive, joyful, spontaneous and also a little romantic. It also seems to me a bit old-fashioned. Some of the dogs remind me of the romantic lovers you see coming back after World War II and kissing in the streets. I'm trying something new here as well, adding the computer-drawn pugs from my New Year's sketch to the photographic elements. I think it really works here.

Funny, how often I have run into the idea of dogs dancing lately. My friend, Jon Katz, wrote a wonderful book of short stories called Dancing Dogs and during one of the give-a-ways I ran recently a woman told me all about the dancing work she does with her dogs. I originally started my sketch of the celebrating New Year's pugs as fighting dogs, but they looked to celebratory to me so I transformed them into dancers. The Akita in this collage is my brother John's dog. I remember snapping the picture of her standing on her rear legs and resting her arms on his and thinking they looked like they were dancing. Then, I began to realize just how many pictures I had with other dogs who also seemed to be striking a pose, such as the poodle I snapped out on a "doggie spa day."

I added the children (both my niece Catherine, actually) because at the heart I think my work is always a commentary on the relationship and interplay between children and animals, only here the dogs take center stage. I love how "the girl" in the red is reaching out to twirl the ball, just as if she belonged there. I have more I want to do with this piece, but I thought I'd share it as it progresses.

 

My Two-Cents

Baby in Purple Hat My niece, Ellie, who will be one next month, visited this past weekend. She is learning to speak and we marvel at every word that comes out of her mouth. “Dog,” she says, “woof, woof,” when she sees my pugs and then she pants like a puppy. Each word counts and when she doesn’t quite get one right or when she plays mimicking us, we listen, encourage, laugh. We enjoy the effort, because words count.

I am a writer; it’s how I make my living. Words are my business, but lately I am tired of them. They are everywhere – spewed, spit out, wielded. We use them to criticize, to judge, to intimidate. We use them to argue positions and to counterattack. Words become angry, loud, they lose nuance. We draw our line in the sand and forget to listen. We forget what my niece is now learning – words represent something, they possess meaning.

Thoughts, emotions, people are behind the words, most well intentioned, most with tender hearts, but they have lost themselves inside the words. Rhetoric replaces conversation and we attempt to be clever rather than convincing. We use words to advocate gun control and to fight against it. We brandish words in the name of God and volley them back to condemn those preaching them. We are not careful with our words. They have lost their specificity. We blather about the media, the liberal press, Republicans, Democrats, Christians, atheists, the Internet, television. We argue against It and Them, patting ourselves on the back for the aptly expressed barb. We forget why we were speaking in the first place.

I am tired of words. As a child in gym class I would freeze when balls came flying at me. They were too fast, too hard. I do the same now. What good do my words do if no one hears them, if my voice only adds to the fray? Even the well intentioned, those who try to listen, find fault, over-analyzing, turning meaning in and out. When we were children words came easily – we saw a dog and we called it by name. We attempted to find the word that fit. We looked closely at those around us to see if they understood and we felt pride when they did.

In this day when words are a commodity, expressed too freely, we would do well to remember the lessons of children, both those lost and those among us. We would be wise to think before we speak and remember that every word uttered from every mouth, no matter how different it may sound, represents a person whose heart beats like our own. Rather than barking at the wind, we might try listening, really listening to each other. It’s the only way our words will ever count.